Day 28

So I accidentally brought home an extra kid from the park yesterday. I just didn't notice. When I realized what had happened, I was going to take it back to the park when Angie started screaming at me that possession is nine-tenths of the law and if I take it back she'd have me arrested for delivering cocaine to Lilo.

I told her I didn't know what was in the bag. I figured it was baby laxative. There is quite a bit of it floating around this town.

Well we still have the kid which is now called Heather Pilar Mutumba Jolie Pitt Jolie. She insists her name is Mindy, but I think she'll get used to being Heather in time.

Madox is just a great kid though. He drew a picture of me.

It's pretty good, huh? I like how my legs resemble golf clubs. I'm not sure why he didn't give me hands. When I asked, he just laughed and walked away twirling his butcher knife. That kid is so happy, it almost seems wrong.

Day 25

The other night, after a hearty dinner of grass clippings and dove milk, Ange and B! took the kids and me to Santa Monica where we cruised for a Lee Tamahori sighting. We were driving down Pico Boulevard when Ange spotted a friend of hers driving a white Denali SUV. B! tried to flag down the friend and tossed some of the children to attract her attention. Fortunately, Dakota Sierra Nemo Sunshine iPod, the most recent precious acquisition, um, addition to the family landed perfectly in the driver's lap. Suddenly, a misty cloud of a white powdery substance obscured the Denali driver's windshield, causing the driver to swerve and almost hit a smartly dressed pedestrian (Analik?) and her rat/dog. We all pulled over and shared a boisterous laugh, traded insurance information, and scooped the children from Pico. (Don't worry - they are fine - these Burmese are sturdy!)

I think the whole incident made the news, but don't quote me on that. I am so out of the loop since B! upgraded my ankle attachment to titanium.

Tonight, I weep for the geeks.

Day 15

I have to admit, I'm starting to feel a little strange, like something isn't quite on the up-n'-up.

Does that make sense. Not that Brangalina are bad people, far from it. I think it's great when Angie tells Brad that they need to make sure I don't show any bruising. They really care.

But it's incidents like the one where I had to go do some more "shopping", that makes me wonder.

Day 10

Brangalina wanted some alone time with the kids, do they had me run a few errands.

It was the usual stuff. Pick up dry cleaning, have ass-less leather pants cleaned, buy labels for homemade porn tapes, etc.

I am a little worried though. Here is the shopping list I was handed when I was sent to the grocers.

Organic sun dried tomatoes

Organic toothpaste

Organic 15 grain bread

Baby boy from Denmark

Organic condoms

Organic hair gel

Organic bottled water
I mean, what's an organic condom? I went looking for an empty box in the trash, but couldn't find any. I also discovered that they don't make 15 grain bread. The grocer old me I have to take two seven grains and a regular loaf of wheat and find a way to combine them.

HOLY COW!!

Plus, I've got to find a way to get a baby from Denmark. I was given some phone numbers, but they either didn't speak english, or kept making weird breathing noises. This is going to be a tough one to figure out.

Day 4

So, Brad said he wanted us to hang out and get to know each other more.

That sounded like it may be fun, plus Angie wanted some alone time with the kids.

Brad called up a couple friends. It was quite a surprise that it was George Clooney and Matt Damon.

Apparently they have this thing where they go to airports and see how many phone numbers they can get from women. Sounds kind of sad, but it's not my place to question how the rich and famous should spend their lives.

I also wondered why Brad and Matt do it since they are married. The answer was simple. All Hollywood marriages are a sham. Ah, that made sense.

So we start near gate six at LAX. they told me that's where the really hot women hang out. Plus the bar is near by.

So we hung out for about seven hours and at the end guess who had the most numbers. Yep, yours truely. Here are the actual stats.

Pitt: 15 phone numbers
Damon: 12 phine numbers
Brangalito: 28 phone numbers
Clooney: 2 phone numbers



All this time I though Clooney was going to win. I discovered that he is actually the industries biggest pity case and people just feel sorry for him. Producers call the news papers and ask to print that he's really good looking and popular. You could have fooled me.

I also didn't know that George was actually from Germany and doesn't speak a word of english. Some woman named Roscoe actually dubs all his lines. I found it odd that a woman did it but Matt said, "Hey, Bart Simpson is voiced by a woman."

You can't argue with that.

I could tell Brad was pissed that I won. He didn't say anything on the way home and locked me in my room when we got there. Maddox snuck me some food later that night and informed me that my room was really a broom closet. That makes sense since they always tell me to go to my room to get the mop.

Day 1

Man this is going to be great.

I can already tell Brangalina likes me.



Angie put out a cigarette on my forehead and she doesn't even smoke. I know it's a sign that she trusts me.

Brad looks tired. Good thing I'm here to help take some of the burden off their shoulders.

Maddox strolled up to me and tugged on my pants leg. When I looked down he shook his head and said, "Welcome to the suck." This kid has a huge vocabulary. I think it was french for, "This'll be great."